people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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