Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
