Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
is wine microwaveable?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
