What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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