Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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