That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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