i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
