holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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