The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
