Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
