it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
