o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
