i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
