If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
