And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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