Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
