please come you make the beer taste better
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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