Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
