i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
