I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
