TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
