Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
