cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
