I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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