Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
