I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
