Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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