dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
sarcasm needs its own font
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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