Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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