I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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