my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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