It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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