someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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