I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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