you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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