Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
