I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
