I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
this hospital has no fireball
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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