Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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