ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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