I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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