i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
