did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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