Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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