There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
