When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
