we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
