You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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