Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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