oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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